Lies

I've been having this unexplained reason to think back a year ago. I don't remember much, but everything back then seems so perfect. I don't understand why i am really writing any of this, cause i know i already have my answer, but I've been questioning if it's really the answer from my heart. I always thought whatever happens is for a reason, but i realized that nothing has a reason. Things to happen for a reason. They just happen. I want to believe that things do happen for a reason, but i know it's not true. I like to think many, many things, that aren't true. And I'm awfully afraid to prove myself wrong. I feel better feeding myself lies, and i don't like to, but it just happens that way. I'm not saying i go off telling my self something, and doing the other. I do honestly listen to my heart and soul. Lately i just haven't been telling myself the honest truth, because I'm... afraid. I hate the feeling of realizing i am wrong. I am okay when others prove me wrong, but i cannot stand hearing myself tell me. I don't really know why it happens, it just does. I really want to make it stop, and just be able to do something about the truth. I want to turn the horrible truth into something good. I want to make it real, and not have to make myself believe something else. I don't understand... why i can't exactly do it. It's not easy. All i know is, I'm trying my best to make everything okay. I'm trying to feed myself the truth lately. There's this situation going on in my life and I'm not exactly sure what to think. My heart and mind both say the same thing. I do wish somebody would just tell my different so i know what to think about. I think about what could be said, and i try to make answers for it. I try to make everything seem like it's fine, when really i don't have all the answers, and nothing is really fine. It is about a boy, that i did fall in love with. The truth is, being hurt, it does fade. I got over it and forgot about it for some time. The thought that things could possibly change back to how they were, some what scares me. I know i should have mixed feelings for it and i know i should be asking my friends their opinions, and yet i have. Nobody really seems to care much, at all. They just say, "Do whatever makes you happy, and I'm happy." And that is amazing advice. But i wish somebody would tell me exactly every reason how they think i should feel about it. Once in a while i do feel like i should give it a go and go for another chance, but i always then remember what happened, and that it could happen again. I don't know why it bothers me so much still. I thought i had gotten over it, until he kind of came back into my life and then it started hitting me again. Hard. I really wish i had all the answers myself, but i don't. I can't tell myself i do, this time, because that would be lien to myself. I don't know what to do. I'm way to confused right now and all of this is hitting me so hard. I keeping thinking that if what had happen, happens again in the future, if things do move on. What would happen to me then? I had already been way too hurt. Numb. Heart broken. Forced. I don't think i could handle that again. Thinking about how amazing i felt, to be in love, and to be cherished by somebody who loves me for who i am. Saying a bunch of cute things to each other and realizing that we're just playing games with each others minds. Not love games, heart games. Telling each other, "Forever", "Always", and never realizing that those are just words. Forever is however long it lasts. It is honesty, but it's only blinded by love at the moment in time. It's weird... i remember what it's like to be so in love and say those things, but when your not in love and you think about saying those things and how you really meant felt when you said them, you think it was all bullshit. And forever and always doesn't exist. It surely does, it's just different to each and every couple. I just wish i had all the answers to my questions i guess. I wish i didn't feel this way, especially right now. I wish i was just happy about how things were at this moment in time. I'm way too worried of what will happen later on. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens. Hopefully my questions will be answered. And hopefully those answers are what i really wanted to hear, and not me, lien to myself, once again.

Graduation 09

In May, we were graduating. Jr. High to be exact. It's not a big deal, really. But most people make it a big deal. 200 dollar dresses, 90 dollar shoes. When i went shopping i got a beautiful purple dress at Weekend Warehouse with a pair of 9 dollar earrings, which i happen to be allergic to. Anyways, graduation wasn't a big deal. I wrote a speech to enter in but i wasn't there for the auditions. When i heard others speeches i knew mine was better, but whatever. Graduating wasn't a big deal at all. It was sad. Thinking that this it was no longer 'our' school. Thinking that we'd lose some friends. Thinking that the year was actually over for 8th grade. It was sad. But other than that, i was excited to move on.

In the picture is me and my best friends.
Left to right: Whitney, Annie, Me.
Still best friends.<3