12/12/12

I've been alone most of my life. Not physically, but mentally. I guess everyone thinks nobody really understands them, but this is just different. I've never had a regular father. He treats me well now but he doesn't understand me. He doesn't know who i am. He just expects a turn out in everything i do and that's it. I hated him for a long time but before then I wanted daddy. I would cry for him almost every night while he was in jail. What i didn't know is, i was wanting someone who hurt the person that actually cared for me, my mom.
She's always tried, but i feel like I've never even met my real mother. She's always been on some kind of pill. I can predict her reactions just from learning about the medications she's on. It's scares me, because the older she gets, the less she thinks straight. She doesn't exactly know how to be a parent when it comes to emotional things. She never really kissed me or hugged me after i turned about 8 or so. I guess it was because her father never did the same for her. So when people show me affection, it can be somewhat awkward for me if i'm not very comfortable. I have this sense of need to watch over her. I just hate sitting in this house watching her stay depressed. It makes me depressed, and i don't want to turn out like that. I want to help her change but she never listens and i'm pretty sure i cannot compete with her bipolar disorder.
I miss my Nana every day, i just wish i could talk to her about all this. She gave out this warm sense of love. She wasn't too pushy or too opinionated, she was strong minded though, and she always knew exactly what to say. I guess you could say she's the one that keeps me going.
My sister's been a teacher figure in my life. She's taught me most of what i know about, well, everything. It's hard to imagine that i wont be able to talk to her for years upon years. It just now dawned on me that I'm now alone. I don't have her to look up to anymore. I could always go to my sister for anything. There's nobody in this world that's ever looked at me and knew something was wrong, except my sister. I'm going to miss her a lot and I hope she comes back one day. She's the only sister i have and it's really sad to think my children won't have grandparents or an auntie.
I've been so good at hiding my dark feelings and pushing them behind. I forget about them for a while, maybe a few days, but they creep their way up sometimes. It's hard, but i usually get through it with a cleansing cry by myself. My brain usually restores after i let it all out. I really don't get it. There's things i know about myself that i would rather just get rid of than try to explain to anybody.
I think about death a lot. I'm not suicidal, but if i saw a bus coming head on, i probably wouldn't jump out of the way. Hard to admit something like that but it's true. I could never hurt myself on purpose. I've experienced what it's like, and I'm just too scared to go that far. I'm moved on the emotional factor of it all. My 5 senses are how i live life. So i can kind of understand why i think such things. My mind has always been a somewhat better version of what my life would be life if i were in total control.
I guess my reason for writing this all at 4 in the morning would be because I'm lonely and i have nobody to talk to about stuff like this. The one person i want to talk to probably wouldn't know what to say. I never really hear him emotionally express himself, which makes it hard for me to just bring things like this up out of no where. I think it's weird that humans need to talk about things to get over them. Having someone else relate to our pain is calming for us. That never really worked for me because i remember too much shit. When i hear sad stories i can actually feel the pain. It builds this heavy weight on my shoulders as if i were the character. I don't even know where I'm going with this now. I just wanted to write. It's almost 4:20 so I'm heading off to try and get some sleep. Hopefully a year from now when i read this I'll be either
A) Happy and busy
B) Sad and depressed
C) No longer living in Paradise
D) Dead
E) Nothing changed
F) A, B, & C