12/12/12

I've been alone most of my life. Not physically, but mentally. I guess everyone thinks nobody really understands them, but this is just different. I've never had a regular father. He treats me well now but he doesn't understand me. He doesn't know who i am. He just expects a turn out in everything i do and that's it. I hated him for a long time but before then I wanted daddy. I would cry for him almost every night while he was in jail. What i didn't know is, i was wanting someone who hurt the person that actually cared for me, my mom.
She's always tried, but i feel like I've never even met my real mother. She's always been on some kind of pill. I can predict her reactions just from learning about the medications she's on. It's scares me, because the older she gets, the less she thinks straight. She doesn't exactly know how to be a parent when it comes to emotional things. She never really kissed me or hugged me after i turned about 8 or so. I guess it was because her father never did the same for her. So when people show me affection, it can be somewhat awkward for me if i'm not very comfortable. I have this sense of need to watch over her. I just hate sitting in this house watching her stay depressed. It makes me depressed, and i don't want to turn out like that. I want to help her change but she never listens and i'm pretty sure i cannot compete with her bipolar disorder.
I miss my Nana every day, i just wish i could talk to her about all this. She gave out this warm sense of love. She wasn't too pushy or too opinionated, she was strong minded though, and she always knew exactly what to say. I guess you could say she's the one that keeps me going.
My sister's been a teacher figure in my life. She's taught me most of what i know about, well, everything. It's hard to imagine that i wont be able to talk to her for years upon years. It just now dawned on me that I'm now alone. I don't have her to look up to anymore. I could always go to my sister for anything. There's nobody in this world that's ever looked at me and knew something was wrong, except my sister. I'm going to miss her a lot and I hope she comes back one day. She's the only sister i have and it's really sad to think my children won't have grandparents or an auntie.
I've been so good at hiding my dark feelings and pushing them behind. I forget about them for a while, maybe a few days, but they creep their way up sometimes. It's hard, but i usually get through it with a cleansing cry by myself. My brain usually restores after i let it all out. I really don't get it. There's things i know about myself that i would rather just get rid of than try to explain to anybody.
I think about death a lot. I'm not suicidal, but if i saw a bus coming head on, i probably wouldn't jump out of the way. Hard to admit something like that but it's true. I could never hurt myself on purpose. I've experienced what it's like, and I'm just too scared to go that far. I'm moved on the emotional factor of it all. My 5 senses are how i live life. So i can kind of understand why i think such things. My mind has always been a somewhat better version of what my life would be life if i were in total control.
I guess my reason for writing this all at 4 in the morning would be because I'm lonely and i have nobody to talk to about stuff like this. The one person i want to talk to probably wouldn't know what to say. I never really hear him emotionally express himself, which makes it hard for me to just bring things like this up out of no where. I think it's weird that humans need to talk about things to get over them. Having someone else relate to our pain is calming for us. That never really worked for me because i remember too much shit. When i hear sad stories i can actually feel the pain. It builds this heavy weight on my shoulders as if i were the character. I don't even know where I'm going with this now. I just wanted to write. It's almost 4:20 so I'm heading off to try and get some sleep. Hopefully a year from now when i read this I'll be either
A) Happy and busy
B) Sad and depressed
C) No longer living in Paradise
D) Dead
E) Nothing changed
F) A, B, & C

I think i'm scared but i come off as brave because that's how i truly am. I feel so sure of myself, yet i contradict myself all the fucking time. I cannot figure out my own brain for the life of me.
I've had this reoccurring scene that's played in my head since i was little. I'm sitting in a all white room. No doors, no windows, nothing but me curled up in the corner. As the scene comes to mind, it centers itself onto me, closing in on the corner of the room. Sometimes the room is full of scattered items and you can barely see me, and then other times there's nothing but me. I've been experiencing it less and less as i get older and i just want to know what this all means...

You know who...

Do people not realize that decisions they make in life hurt others they don't even know exist? Do they not know that the changes they make don't only affect them. I'm not calling anyone selfish, but sometimes running away, trying to make things better, isn't the best solution. They know other people care, and they know a few will be hurt, but look at the big picture. You're changing not only one person's life, but everyone who has been around. You have to let things flow and see where that takes you. Trying to make someone's life better by changing everything they ever had, isn't fair. Being away from home for so long and so much has changed, so much will change, and they have no idea what is going on, or what is coming. I'm scared, worried, and excited. You probably are too.

I'm not going to explain my reason for writing this, because it has happened so many times, you can already guess.

One, after another, after another, after another.
This is getting ridiculous and I'm tired of being left behind. I guess things just happen that way and i have to accept it. There's nothing i can do to change the on coming future. I just have to hope for the best. Keep my high hopes to a low, and realize that if i end up getting disappointed, that's my own fault. I'm just going to make the best out of the time i have left, if all is true.

I love you and miss you.
You've made a huge difference in my life, and even if you end up miles away, you'll always be my best friend. Come home soon so i can hug you please.<3

Wtfever

I don't understand? Why in the world do people expect respect, when they don't even give you respect to start out with? I don't understand why people are so fucking rude to each other, for no reason. If it is a 'maturity' issue, then you probably won't be wanted around by many people. I don't understand why some people are so damn nice, and they get nothing in return, accept hatred. It's pretty sad. It's even more sad when the people who send out the hatred, think they're too good for most people. I am not saying i am the nicest, most caring person on the planet, but i do understand that it isn't right. Jealousy takes a huge part in it, most likely. It sucks, life sucks. Get the fuck over it. I really don't understand how somebody could be so fake? I really don't get it. I guess it's the 'maturity' thing again. Trying to fit into a place, where you obviously don't belong. You change yourself for multiple reasons, without even noticing your hurting the ones who loved you, for who you truly are. People these days...

Most of the people who leave your life, never deserve another change. In some cases, maybe. But if it's because of what i was talking about, they should never deserve another change. It may sound pretty harsh, but in all honesty, they left for a reason, and they are coming back for a reason. Whatever that reason is, it's probably not a good one. They probably realized that where they were in life wasn't where they want to be and they want to be their true self again. It's their fault they left in the first place, they should have held onto you, instead of letting you go. Just in case one day they might need you, instead of shoving their way back into your life, trying their hardest to return. They shouldn't get that chance.

I know i may sound like a bitch, but it all depends on the person, and their characteristics, they way they treated you when they were slowly transforming, and disappearing. It's okay to feel like you deserve sympathy. It's okay to feel like you deserve a better friend. It's okay to tell them "I'll always be here for you, but you left for a reason, and i don't want you back." It's okay so feel down sometimes. Doing the smart thing, doesn't always feel good. But it will affect you in the future, or possibly the next couple of days. I know what I'm talking about, you may not understand what I'm fully explaining, but... most people just don't deserve a second chance.

Lies

I've been having this unexplained reason to think back a year ago. I don't remember much, but everything back then seems so perfect. I don't understand why i am really writing any of this, cause i know i already have my answer, but I've been questioning if it's really the answer from my heart. I always thought whatever happens is for a reason, but i realized that nothing has a reason. Things to happen for a reason. They just happen. I want to believe that things do happen for a reason, but i know it's not true. I like to think many, many things, that aren't true. And I'm awfully afraid to prove myself wrong. I feel better feeding myself lies, and i don't like to, but it just happens that way. I'm not saying i go off telling my self something, and doing the other. I do honestly listen to my heart and soul. Lately i just haven't been telling myself the honest truth, because I'm... afraid. I hate the feeling of realizing i am wrong. I am okay when others prove me wrong, but i cannot stand hearing myself tell me. I don't really know why it happens, it just does. I really want to make it stop, and just be able to do something about the truth. I want to turn the horrible truth into something good. I want to make it real, and not have to make myself believe something else. I don't understand... why i can't exactly do it. It's not easy. All i know is, I'm trying my best to make everything okay. I'm trying to feed myself the truth lately. There's this situation going on in my life and I'm not exactly sure what to think. My heart and mind both say the same thing. I do wish somebody would just tell my different so i know what to think about. I think about what could be said, and i try to make answers for it. I try to make everything seem like it's fine, when really i don't have all the answers, and nothing is really fine. It is about a boy, that i did fall in love with. The truth is, being hurt, it does fade. I got over it and forgot about it for some time. The thought that things could possibly change back to how they were, some what scares me. I know i should have mixed feelings for it and i know i should be asking my friends their opinions, and yet i have. Nobody really seems to care much, at all. They just say, "Do whatever makes you happy, and I'm happy." And that is amazing advice. But i wish somebody would tell me exactly every reason how they think i should feel about it. Once in a while i do feel like i should give it a go and go for another chance, but i always then remember what happened, and that it could happen again. I don't know why it bothers me so much still. I thought i had gotten over it, until he kind of came back into my life and then it started hitting me again. Hard. I really wish i had all the answers myself, but i don't. I can't tell myself i do, this time, because that would be lien to myself. I don't know what to do. I'm way to confused right now and all of this is hitting me so hard. I keeping thinking that if what had happen, happens again in the future, if things do move on. What would happen to me then? I had already been way too hurt. Numb. Heart broken. Forced. I don't think i could handle that again. Thinking about how amazing i felt, to be in love, and to be cherished by somebody who loves me for who i am. Saying a bunch of cute things to each other and realizing that we're just playing games with each others minds. Not love games, heart games. Telling each other, "Forever", "Always", and never realizing that those are just words. Forever is however long it lasts. It is honesty, but it's only blinded by love at the moment in time. It's weird... i remember what it's like to be so in love and say those things, but when your not in love and you think about saying those things and how you really meant felt when you said them, you think it was all bullshit. And forever and always doesn't exist. It surely does, it's just different to each and every couple. I just wish i had all the answers to my questions i guess. I wish i didn't feel this way, especially right now. I wish i was just happy about how things were at this moment in time. I'm way too worried of what will happen later on. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens. Hopefully my questions will be answered. And hopefully those answers are what i really wanted to hear, and not me, lien to myself, once again.

Graduation 09

In May, we were graduating. Jr. High to be exact. It's not a big deal, really. But most people make it a big deal. 200 dollar dresses, 90 dollar shoes. When i went shopping i got a beautiful purple dress at Weekend Warehouse with a pair of 9 dollar earrings, which i happen to be allergic to. Anyways, graduation wasn't a big deal. I wrote a speech to enter in but i wasn't there for the auditions. When i heard others speeches i knew mine was better, but whatever. Graduating wasn't a big deal at all. It was sad. Thinking that this it was no longer 'our' school. Thinking that we'd lose some friends. Thinking that the year was actually over for 8th grade. It was sad. But other than that, i was excited to move on.

In the picture is me and my best friends.
Left to right: Whitney, Annie, Me.
Still best friends.<3